In my first blog post I wrote a short synopsis of my recent detour from art school. I came across this writing I did in December about an internal struggle I had been dealing with, and thought I should share.
Sometimes I feel like I have two separate people living inside my body. Both are really selfish! One wants to have babies, buy a house, travel, and settle down. She wants the house-wife-all-american-dream. The other wants to get a masters degree and move to the west coast. She wants to travel the world to show her art and see a history of masters. She wants to devote her life to her art. But which one am I supposed to be? Do I dedicate my life to creativity or to motherhood? I see no way to do both. As much as women have the empowerment to do whatever they want in life, it still comes down to biology. You can’t be a full-time artist, have kids in your late 30s, and still be able to dedicate life to creativity. It has to be one or the other.
One or the other.
That’s within me…then I have outside of me. Family, money, my husband’s education, my husbands goals, expectations of others.
Yet there is a little bird that continues to whisper in my ear.
Yes you can.
In my second post I addressed how to flip your mind from abusive to encouraging. When I read this I can identify every negative voice and every encouraging voice. I know myself.
I also know how black and white my brain is. Grey matter (punny) is extremely difficult to come by in my brain. It is a constant struggle of finding a healthy balance.
One thing I have realized recently is I do not have to settle for one or the other. I really can have it all, and there are many paths I can take to get there. Right now I am working on the alternate route that works best for me. I have no fear of the future or others’ expectations. Instead I rejoice in the newness of it all and the versatility of my dreams. I have a sense of adventure and awareness. Many roads can get me to my destination. It’s time for me to take the pressure off of myself; it’s time for all of us to take the pressure off of ourselves.
As Kurt Cobain says:
All in all is all we are